"You can use your money for something else."
"Why do you want to spend your money on a vacation?"
"You don't need a vacation."
"Wait until you're done school, then go away"
"You don't have their life, you can't just pick up and go on vacation."
These are quotes that came from, you guessed it, my mother. I swear to you she is a wonderful woman, but she always manages to get under my skin, discourages me from making my own decisions and even manipulates me into thinking like her. Not all of this is bad, thinking like my mother has its good points; such as her savvy financial sense, and cooking skills to name a couple. However these blessings have also been my curses; because when it comes to buying things that is when the discouraging hat finds its way to her head and I end up having buyers remorse BEFORE I buy. Some people would consider my lifestyle cheap or frugal, others wonder why I work as hard as I do and not spend some of it on things that I want. I only get my hair done once, maybe twice a year, I wear cheap clothing until the stitches come apart, and the two bras I own have lasted me about a year now. I had the same bathing suit for five years before buying a new one this past summer. I live as though these items are made to last, like buying a car, you hope when you buy it it'll last you at least until you're done paying for it.
So due to the wonderful words of wisdom from my mother, I have put vacations on the back burner for the last decade. I have watched all of my friends travel the world and come back with everything from tans to accents, and new love interests to new body images (tattoos). I have lived vicariously through them all... Until now! Yesterday I booked a trip to Europe! I leave in a couple of weeks and I am thrilled!! I am nervous tho, I am leaving my mother a week after her surgery (non-invasive day surgery, but surgery non-the-less), and my daughter behind for two weeks. Not that my daughter needs a vacation, she goes to camps practically every other weekend and I spent a small fortune on her this past summer sending her away for two weeks herself. I am not a huge fan of flying, probably because I don't do it often enough o get used to the feeling. I am looking forward to the trip nonetheless. My cousin and now travel partner Mel is uber excited about my decision to join her over there; we're leaving on the same flight so hopefully she'll be able to relax my nerves a bit mid-air. One of my goals while away is to live a little, my cousin is 9 years younger than me (but in grandma years it's more like 39). I hope that I can learn to be more carefree and relaxed in my day to day and relax and treat myself more; the European way of life - vino everyday type of idea.
I went to my doctor last week as I was having severe back pain and I wasn't able to function at my potential at all. Last winter I had the same issue and x-rays found something of a benign cyst or tumour on my spine in the lower lumbar, this was never taken care of. This time the doctor told me that he didn't want to x-ray me again, but that my back and spine were fine and that I should be better if I took up yoga. YOGA!! Seriously?? I can't bend over to put my shoes on in the morning and the guy wants me to get into downward dog and twist like a pretzel? I think he needs to reexamine his calling in life or learn to listen to his patients before I go all warrior pose on his ass. I am hoping that my old lady body doesn't hold me back from enjoying the trip and keeping Mel from having a good time; the last thing I want is to be the boring travel partner.
I went to the museum with Eric today and he was telling me about domesticated animals that end up in the wild or 'feral.' This was an interesting concept that I had never really thought about until today when I applied it to myself in reverse. I am not saying that I am a wild child or anything, but people do become a product of their peers or of their habitat. I told Eric that when I was on my own I had a bit more of a social life than what I did living at home with my parents. Even though I was only on my own for a year, I still went out, made my own decisions and lived like an adult woman. When I moved back home with my parents I became a 'child' again, docile, not only to their rules, but to the way they live their lives. I became a product of my peers, a camelion in their home; I became my parents.
I am not sure what I am going to do about this, aside from recognize it and move on. I became single because I was tired of being a great half to a shitty whole and I went from independent woman to dependent daughter. I appreciate all that my parents do for me, I really do, but the one thing that I wish they would not do is continue to direct my life. Being a parent myself I know that ensuring your children are on the right path is important to living a happy and healthy life; but my parents have nothing on me. I don't smoke, do drugs, drink excessively, behave irresponsibly or do anything that would tarnish the family's image. My only vice is tea and crochet - and believe me you can't go very far with those. I just realized something, are the airport security people going to take away my crochet needle on the plane? Guess I'll have to take the e-reader instead. Hmmm, I digress.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there is a point in people's lives when the umbilical cord needs to be cut and that people need to live their own lives. My parents are helping me financially through school, etc, but (correct me if I am wrong) does that give them the right to dictate where I go on a Friday night or what I eat or whether or not I want to spend my own hard earned money (after giving them money for bills) on something that I will enjoy and make me feel good? After all I am 32 years old!
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